Soul Mate

Heart Sleeves

My recent trip to Maryland held so much wonder for me.  I had old/new friends to meet and hug.  Places I had never seen before.  I just wanted it to be perfect.  I rarely get to go anywhere out of the usual circuit that requires looking at a map or packing a lunch...much less figure out how to tip a door man.

When I realized I may lose sight in my right eye, there was a list a mile long of memories left to be made.  Things left to be seen.  Some things I wish I had never seen but you have to take the bad with the good.  Like watching the busboy clean a lady's shoe at the Hard Rock Cafe.  At the table.  With a rag he probably wiped another table down with afterwards.  True story.  Sorry.

My first pang: realizing there was not enough time to do it all....missing Sam Miller's band.  My sincerest apologies, Sam.  We parked the car & it did not move until we left to head home Monday.  If I had known how large Maryland was, I would have planned to stay an extra day.  On the map, it looks drivable.  On the map, Norfolk looks like a cakewalk.  I am easily fooled.


I finally met Bill Woodard. He is a lot nicer than the one I knew here. 

Time slips by so quickly when you are with friends.  Seeing Karen after too many years....she still looks the same.  Karen will always be the same. I like that stability in her.  I hope her mother is tortured daily when she realizes how awful she treated Karen when we were growing up.  I hope her mother ends up in a retirement home where they forget to take her to the bathroom.  Me, bitter? Never. 
 
I had the best crabcake ever. Melanie needs to share the recipe.  Hint hint.


Time....being with people who felt like my oldest & dearest friends....it was like I had landed in a soft and welcoming spot.  Watching Kenny be Kenny.  Bruce & Gregg discussing whatever it was they were discussing.  Watching Dina own the damn room.  If anyone has never seen a woman walk with swag: she has it.  She is a true force of nature.  Being with Kelly is like being the little sister....just a sweet shoulder to lean on.  When we told her it was 12:30 am, she did not believe us. We went off to search for breakfast (on a ship) that turned out to be crab casserole (on a ship).  No pancakes, sorry Bruce.

Time....we missed the last water taxi back to the Inner Harbor so we had to pay to ride in the Taxi of Death.  It was the longest ride of my entire life. After we almost hit the pedestrian, I just closed my eyes and prayed that I would not have to beat the fake African driver to death with my shoe.  I am certain it would have been justified.  

The only thing I knew for certain about the weekend was that I was going to see dolphins.  At the aquarium.  Even if it was the last thing on earth I did, I was going to see a dolphin.  Yes, I have seen them before in the wild.  Lots of times.  But this was different.  These were dolphins that do flips. Yes, I know. I am easy to please.

I am a passive observer in life.  I watch people. I see the world and reflect back through the lens of my camera.  I capture a memory and savor it.  You may not realize how just the simplest glint of dew sparkles and shines.  Flower pictures still smell fragrant when I see them.  Food pictures are a comfort to me.  I remember the laughter and the clinking of glasses being lifted to wish each other health and happiness.  They are but memories preserved, forever.



Warning: This latter part is me venting so if you want to stop reading, now would be a good time.  
On Sunday, we were sitting in a pretty spiffy place, having lunch, rehashing the nights events.  We were laughing and having such a great time.  It was perfect.... until I received the text message.  Just the essence of malice and hatred from it almost broke my heart.  For someone to have HAD that much abusive and narcissistic power in my life was a true eye opener.  I work really hard at everything I do.  I work hard for everyone else.  Needing to justify one small part of my life to anyone will never, ever happen again.  I have family and true friends who care. I have family and true friends who love me and who protect me.  You tried to ruin my one brief trip when I took a selfish moment for myself.  Shame on you.   I know this will fall on deaf ears and eyes.  Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Perhaps it should just be "Shame on me" for ever having entrusted anything of me to you. 

Colors

After this weeks eye scare, I was faced with wondering "what-if"?  

I suffered a retinal aneurysm maybe due to high blood pressure or diabetes or just a random spike in awesomeness.  If that last one were true, I could expect it to happen again.

I was left wondering what would be the things I would miss? My life relies completely on vision and color. I couldn't play on my fabulous iPhone. I would never get to see my-new-to-be-here in September grand child.  I would never get to see the sun shine on my lover's face.  There is so much color in my life, I think my soul would just die.  These are frightening thoughts but when you are faced with so much uncertainty, you realize there are things that cannot be unseen. Color fills my soul with music.

I think my love of color comes from my mother.  My poor mother is losing her battle with life. It will be one more hospital stay, one more treatment, one more this & that.  I stay away from her because it breaks my heart to see her waste away and become so bitter.  She is in pain all the time and I know this is not the life she wanted but more the one she has settled for.  My best friends know how much this kills me.... to sit by and see her in this pain-suspended until we get giddy with false hope... then death will steal her away from me.  

My Dad says as you get older, you go to more funerals than you go to weddings.  My old dive Daddy said he did not go to hospitals, weddings or funerals because you lose friends at all three.  So not fair. We buried him 2 years ago.  I hope no one else has to go through all this pain but I know it comes into all of our lives. It is our job as the living to take care of the sick and the ailing.  We preserve memories the best way we can. We tuck memories away like movie ticket stubs and reflect back on them when our hearts need a place to go.  Where we can go and soak up colors, faded, but still  heartwarming.

 

Spring Cleaning

In my giddiness of cleaning things out, I probably got overzealous in tossing away clothing that no longer fits and is (happily) too large.  Springtime means new beginnings and holds a very cathartic feeling as you toss old things out that bind and tie you down.  Styles change. People change.  You cannot grow with so much stuff that you have to clean, sort and move just to function.  I feel like I cannot breathe when "things" start to pile up in my sanctuary.  

I currently own too many pens. Just not the one particular 'Holy Grail' pen I really, really want.   I could have gone my entire life not knowing this one particular pen exists and it makes it equally tough that my best friend taunts me with it.  I have a pen fetish. I admit it.  I must develop the discipline to not purchase another pen.  Ever.  
I own too much lip gloss too but that is not ever going to change.  


Having too many options makes it hard to make a decision. Much in the way people tend to collect "friends", how do you decide who gets your attention, your affection, your love?  

I joke about the difference between 'fans' and 'friends'.  Working in publicity, it is spelled out very bluntly for you.  When working with famous celebrities, you have to realize that even though they are nice people.....they are doing a job.  

Being a true friend isn't that hard.  It should be effortless... like the weight of a feather.  Otherwise, it is just a job.  It starts to feel like dead weight and you need to either be around them sparingly or clear them out altogether. 
 

 

Where, Oh Where, Should Lucinda Go?

I am soliciting feedback concerning my entity....Lucinda Blithe.  Her/my editor has become invisible so her/my last article was not marked or noted. Emails have not been returned. I can only imagine he is off on another adventure. He has so many different things going on. It reminds me a little of the saying "Jack of all trades/Master of none". Apparently I have been left to fend for myself.

So I turn to all of the web-a-spheres to seek enlightenment and direction.
I have always fallen into the groove between really happy and really successful. If I get ahead of myself, life has a way of stepping in and laughing at me really hard.  I am not certain what "writing" life I have left. It may just be blogging here and getting feedback from the kind-hearted souls who have helped me along this journey.  I had several projects in the works for articles. If you can think of anything that needs to be addressed, please send me an email.  I do not want to get ahead of myself but I would hate to lose all that I have invested in "ME" and us.  I would like to be helpful and not like everyone else. Horrors!

This past weekend I learned some very valuable lessons.  Never depend on someone else to make  you happy.  And take your migraine meds because you never know when someone will invite you to see a Pow-wow. Drum circles are not just a figure of speech.  I sat around the house all day Friday and managed to talk myself out of going out in public. If given the opportunity, I would never be home. Ever.  I love my house. I designed and helped build it with my own two hands but I keep hoping there is something else to see and discover just beyond that next horizon.  Like Maryland.

I also lack the enthusiasm that someone else wants me to display when I am happy. My philosophy is that if I ain't bitchin'-I be happy.  But this is obviously unsettling for someone who should know me well by now.  I am like a child.... watching and observing. I want to take it all in and reflect back upon it later. I am rarely caught up in the moment.  If I ever display giddiness, it is accidental.  I cannot afford to be giddy.  I was once caught off guard when someone gave me a gift. I wanted to cry but too many people were watching and waiting. I am rarely surprised.  I love surprises.  I am not responsible for the things that come out of my mouth at that rare moment in time.  I love that most of all. 

First Rose

Monday can just kiss my ass. I barely had my eyes open when I was confronted with the news that the first love of my life had passed away.  It was just like being punched in the gut.  I couldn't breathe. Could only sit there and cry.  How many years had passed since he had darkened my door way? How many nights had we sat on the telephone, talking....making plans that were never to be?  

Mark loved music. I knew he would outgrow the town we lived in. I hoped for bigger and better things for him. Never cancer. Never to die at 48 years of age.  Mark was way beyond anything this small mind could encompass.  

Mark brought me roses on our first date. Mark gave me my first real kiss. Mark wrote me love letters and showed compassion when no one else understood.  

My oldest & dearest friend Karen wrote me a note today that best described how I can still feel the sting of the memories of a friendship from long ago:

"Once you care about someone, a thread from your life is forever tied to theirs, even if you never see them again.  The thread breaks when you hear they died. You feel like a kid who just lost a balloon to the sky."

Mark Eugene Stowe.....Rock Star Angel  

Low Places

I have become a creature of bad habit. I do not have to get up at a certain time on most days and some of my closest friends know exactly when to call or text me like psychics on the prowl. I will not abide by rules and unless something is pressing into financial ruin, I will procrastinate as long as I can.
Who is this person?
I have always been a "By the rules and very punctually correct person" so for the clocks to be ticking away all at a different and very incorrect time, I am on the brink of madness. 
I actually sat down and watched a complete mini series and even tried to watch an hour and a half movie. One that I was not paid to watch. I am really slipping somewhere over the edge.  In my defense, I worked on projects while the mini series played but it ran it's entire length without me having to rewind once.  It was horror.

I have not cooked a real, honest 100% from scratch anything meal since Christmas and even then, do not tell my mother, I cheated on the mashed potatoes. 
I used to pride myself on being a "Martha Stewart on steroids and a budget" kind of gal but somewhere, I have let something else much darker slip in. Is Facebook to blame? Is my attention span of a gnat to foster the burden? I will try to do better. Right now, I am ashamed to admit, I have laundry that I washed & folded but still did not put away.  I think that by admitting it in a semi public eye, I will hold myself more accountable to do the mundane tasks that need to be done daily that keep my wheels of sanity turning. 
I will tackle losing weight tomorrow. No sense letting Ben & Jerry's stock slip just yet.