Recently I stepped out of my comfort zone and initiated a friendship. I went beyond the realm of my little world and it has paid off big time. I am truly the happiest I have ever been and it shows in all facets of my life. My house is cleaner, my hair is shiner and I can almost understand fractions. Seriously though, when I think back to drowning in my own tears.....this place right here feels best.
In that tone, I worry what if things go south quickly? What if I am no longer the shiny, new toy? How do you adapt to be comfortable enough to relax and just "be"? Living in the moment has always escaped my grasp as I squeezed the life out of things. Children are a prime example. You try so hard to create memories instead of just letting them happen. Letting them play and enjoy the tiniest happiness of something as simple as dirt and a stick. I think this is one place where grandparents are the Keepers of the Map. We get to play and teach without trying to rush through a bath/feeding/school. We take the time to savor the juiciest peach. Feel the softness of a blanket.
One summer, we spent the most amazing week at the beach. The weather was iffy. There were no grand meals purchased. No big fish were involved. It wasn't a Disney-infused frazzle. We didn't spend a ton of money. We were just happy together. We picked up several new sayings and they are mainly inside jokes to our family but if someone says it, we are transported back to that one summer as if by magic. I looked back on those photos the other day and a feeling of happiness swept over me.
Certain songs can spark a memory or create one. I horde music the way most people covet chocolate. It is an investment I never tire of. I like a broad range of things and it never stops to entertain me. When my mother named me, she never told me where the name came from. I must remember to ask. The only thing I knew was that I could never find it on a keychain. Plenty of Michelle's and Mary's. But no "Me". It was just as well. I was not someone who could be repetitiously plastered on cheap things.
I learned some very valuable things in dealing with my horrible yesterday: Friends will help you get through almost anything. They offer wisdom, guidance, laughter and a shoulder. I am certain that things will be as they are intended even without my worry. I am happiest writing. I learned an equally great thing yesterday: Write for yourself. Have no one else in mind when doing so. The words flow and join hands. They simmer and jump about. The harmony of a well written piece is the responsibility of the writer but the reader is also needed to do this waltz. I have things I need to get out of my head and out of my mouth. The purpose of a Blog is to put words out in public view. To open up your soul on a page is very hard. Someone interprets things one way or senses something totally opposite because of their voice inflection. If you have only spoken to people via social media or email, you have not really given them the full spectrum of a true friend. You need to hear their tone, the warmth of their voice. These are things that, as a human, we crave. There are some people I could sit and listen to for hours. The gentleness of their tone. The sunshine in their voice. The comfort and care of their laugh. It is what makes my world go around.
Sometimes late at night, I can still hear my children laughing. I can hear loved one's who have passed. It is probably just the rustling of leaves in the wind.
I know these are just memories swirling around but they are a comfort to me in the still darkness.
"How do you adapt to be comfortable enough to relax and just "be"? ". That has recently been the very thing I've become aware of in my own life. I don't know quite when it happened, but it must have been recent because I remember worrying a year ago about not knowing what my purpose was and creating pressure on myself to find a direction in life, do something! Then, almost like a warm breeze through a screen, I noticed it. I was happy. I didn't feel a need to accomplish something, go somewhere, leave my mark. I was comfortable. I was among people I see all the time, but I let my guard down, I sang out loud, not worrying how I would sound, what people would think. The sounds just flowed from me while we all sang an old song and laughed with abandon, like we were little kids and not middle-aged ladies. I remember thinking at that instant, this is what it feels like, to let go, not be self-conscious, not hold back, not guard my vulnerable spots. The wonder and newness of it all felt like it did when I was a kid and looking at Christmas displays in store windows. It was magic.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if that moment was a one time thing or if I will feel it again, but now I know it's possible, now I know what it feels like, and I will welcome it back if it comes my way again.
ReplyDeleteI am not entirely certain it comes with age. We (collectively) are told to quest for something but never know the sound our heart makes once we find it. Some people get pretty terrified by it and cannot welcome it. They build walls and numb feelings with drink, drugs, etc.
ReplyDeleteI remember thinking once I found the "nirvana" of my universe, it would be like lightning striking. It isn't.
The absolute hardest thing is giving up control. You never really have it so how can you relinquish the power?
Yes, you will fee the calm once again. I firmly believe that.
*hugs*
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