I Hope This Is The Last Funeral For A While....I'm All Out of Black

Sometimes I despise Facebook.
Upon hearing the news of an old friend's death, via Facebook, I shut my computer down.  I did not want to give evil another avenue to reach me.
I gave the news the proper respect and mournfulness it deserved.  There are people I would not cry over even if you paid me to.  I am not cruel but it just takes a certain type of person to prompt me to cry.  That person would be William.

In high school, we were classmates.  We had 2 classes together and he was the shy kid.  He and his buddies were inseparable.  There are people who you just wish big and wonderful things for.  That would be William.

It's funny how you can pull a fragment out of your memory and it is just "there". I can still hear his infectious laugh.  His laugh and his crystal eyes were timeless.  Gray hair and wrinkles all faded from view when he was around.  We were kids again.

We were friends & neighbors.

The circumstances of his death bother me more than anything: Suicide.

How could this boy, who could make you laugh with ease and be so kind, commit this selfish tragedy?

Recently remarried, recently returned from a trip visiting with family, were there not signs or signals that someone missed?  Cues overlooked that could have saved him?
There have been 3 suicides in my extended circle of friends and family.
Trying to make sense of it all is not going to bring them back.

My friend, after hearing my news of this, said "Well, people say if you commit suicide, you go to Hell.  I think if you are prepared to do something like this, you are already in Hell."

In talking with a member of the clergy, the very liberal clergy, I would care to add......we discussed this after my Dad's friend committed suicide "in front" of his family.  Parenthesis are there because his wife had walked into the garage just out of view when he shot himself.  I asked Preacher Man about this because I said "I think it is a selfish and desperate act." Preacher Man was quick to tell me that desperate people do tragic things and their mind may not be in the right place.
We are quick to not understand the difference between a blessing and being fortunate.
And prayers are involved.

Preacher Man told me about sitting bedside with terminally ill patients in Hospice.  Their family prays & prays for a cure.  When so much hangs in the balance, you become desperate.  You can ride the precipice of having great Faith or no Faith at all.  This is why some people just lose their way completely after a tragic happening.  They feel like they have been abandoned by God or a higher power because things did not go their way.  Sometimes death is a blessing.  We cannot possibly know the scope of what is to be.  So many raw emotions happen and it clouds judgement.  It clouds reasoning.  It exposes your soul.  I know there is scripture that outlines this but because I am not versed in the bible....this is my way to reason things out.

The best thing you can wish for and bestow upon everyone in this situation is peace.  There is a comfort that comes with knowing that through all the pain and suffering, something straight from the heart has been done.  No more pain. No more suffering. No more tears.

So tomorrow I will grieve as we bury the person I once knew as William.  The boy with the infectious laugh and crystal eyes. I wish you peace.  Always.

Uncharted Waters

Recently I stepped out of my comfort zone and initiated a friendship.  I went beyond the realm of my little world and it has paid off big time.  I am truly the happiest I have ever been and it shows in all facets of my life.  My house is cleaner, my hair is shiner and I can almost understand fractions.  Seriously though, when I think back to drowning in my own tears.....this place right here feels best.

In that tone, I worry what if things go south quickly? What if I am no longer the shiny, new toy?  How do you adapt to be comfortable enough to relax and just "be"?  Living in the moment has always escaped my grasp as I squeezed the life out of things.  Children are a prime example.  You try so hard to create memories instead of just letting them happen.  Letting them play and enjoy the tiniest happiness of something as simple as dirt and a stick.  I think this is one place where grandparents are the Keepers of the Map.  We get to play and teach without trying to rush through a bath/feeding/school.    We take the time to savor the juiciest peach.  Feel the softness of a blanket.

One summer, we spent the most amazing week at the beach. The weather was iffy. There were no grand meals purchased. No big fish were involved.  It wasn't a Disney-infused frazzle. We didn't spend a ton of money. We were just happy together. We picked up several new sayings and they are mainly inside jokes to our family but if someone says it, we are transported back to that one summer as if by magic.   I looked back on those photos the other day and a feeling of happiness swept over me.

Certain songs can spark a memory or create one.  I horde music the way most people covet chocolate.  It is an investment I never tire of.  I like a broad range of things and it never stops to entertain me.  When my mother named me, she never told me where the name came from.  I must remember to ask.  The only thing I knew was that I could never find it on a keychain. Plenty of Michelle's and Mary's. But no "Me".  It was just as well.  I was not someone who could be repetitiously plastered on cheap things.

I learned some very valuable things in dealing with my horrible yesterday: Friends will help you get through almost anything.  They offer wisdom, guidance, laughter and a shoulder.  I am certain that things will be as they are intended even without my worry.  I am happiest writing.  I learned an equally great thing yesterday: Write for yourself.  Have no one else in mind when doing so.  The words flow and join hands.  They simmer and jump about.  The harmony of a well written piece is the responsibility of the writer but the reader is also needed to do this waltz.  I have things I need to get out of my head and out of my mouth. The purpose of a Blog is to put words out in public view. To open up your soul on a page is very hard.  Someone interprets things one way or senses something totally opposite because of their voice inflection.  If you have only spoken to people via social media or email, you have not really given them the full spectrum of a true friend.  You need to hear their tone, the warmth of their voice. These are things that, as a human, we crave.  There are some people I could sit and listen to for hours.  The gentleness of their tone. The sunshine in their voice.  The comfort and care of their laugh.  It is what makes my world go around.

Sometimes late at night, I can still hear my children laughing.  I can hear loved one's who have passed.  It is probably just the rustling of leaves in the wind.
I know these are just memories swirling around but they are a comfort to me in the still darkness.

Always

I sat at lunch today and realized how much a soul needs to bleed.  It is part of the companionship and rite of sitting at the "Cool Kid's Table".

So many things being discussed over the breaking of bread.  Or in our case, mini spring rolls.  We laugh and time passes so quickly.  Sometimes we shed tears either out of joy or out of misery.  Children grow up and you better have a mighty fine support network to help hold your laughs and dreams together beyond that-that's what friends are for. Our lunch dates are sacred.  The world's problems don't come knocking without an invitation to lunch.  Not allowed.

Listening to people at the next table compare class schedules for their children made me reflect back on the first year my oldest child went to school.
It wasn't a very dramatic thing. It was like the gentle closing of a door.  I encouraged him to be brave. To be aware. Somewhere along the way, I think we pushed our children to be too much.  Now, I just want them to be happy. To be safe. To be content.  That last word is the key to so many things.  Someone told me last week that they never get bored.  All cylinders firing all the time.  I do not recall my children ever saying they were bored.  Never. The things that make us happy & content are not really things. They are a state of being.  Those are the skills we should be teaching our children.  In the process, you will find yourself doing the same.

Recently, I have been on a mission to not over-manage anything. To just let it be.  I have almost reached that point. I would work myself to death trying to get one task finished only to realize I had missed the total goal.  My expectations and interpretations were always one step away.  There will never be enough money for me to be free.  There isn't suppose to be.  If monetary gain is the only purpose in life, it will always be a sad one.  I sat in not one, not two...but three hospital rooms on three separate occasions and witnessed what the power of money could not do.  It could not buy more time. It could not bridge a gap of true loneliness and it could not mend a family.  Only love can do two out of three.  I really like those odds.

I have had several people who recently had loved one's pass away from cancer. It is a cruel and heartless way to go.  I would rather get smacked by a truck than have my family sitting at my bedside dealing with that.
The one thing I know is the fleeting moment of panic that comes.  You are totally helpless.  An old friend told me "I don't know what my place or purpose is to be there at my Momma's bedside while she dies." My advice to him was that she had taken care of him for so long so it was his turn to return the love.

It is our duty, as the living, to accompany the dying to their final resting place.  I explained to him that she could still hear him whispering how much he loved her and that she wasn't alone. Still feeling the coolness of a damp rag on her forehead.  Still feeling the caress of his lips on the back of her hand.  Treat her like a baby. Keep the lights low, the temperature comfortable. Read to her.  Tell her about what the world outside of that room looked like and how the sun was beaming down that day-possibly her last day on Earth.  These are memories we need to cherish to find peace afterwards.  There is something that exists but we cannot quite grasp it....when a soul leaves a body.  It is almost like a wisp of solid air moves out of the corner of our sightline and then it's gone.  Softly. Quietly.
The person becomes a memory that is kept alive through photographs, stories and feelings.
And love.
Always through love.

Laughingly

When I start out to write a blog, it generally finds it's way here to develop and become something. I am not sure what it is to be......just thoughts on a screen. A moment in passing.
I used to do my "great" musings while washing dishes or cleaning the house. The activity drowns out any hope for interruption and I can let my mind wander where it wants to.
I keep a real journal and track things like sleep habits and what I was actively dealing with. I find that through the years, the things I thought were important are becoming less so and seeking peace/happiness is like a quest.  I bank on the memories of others.

I always thought traveling would be incredible but then realized I left people at home that I wanted to experience it with.  Then you run into that whole "I missed you until you were actually here." syndrome.  Absence does make the heart grow fonder.  The lack of me having to stop for the 5th time to let someone out to go pee just has a profound effect on your perception of travel.  Lately some of my trips have been marred by influences from out of my circle.  I have a circle of people I let in. I readily take their calls and make time specifically for them.  It amazes me how the dynamics of a relationship can change.  I grew up in a very unstable household.  It was unorthodox from the beginning and just escalated to what it is now, which is strained at times but familiar.

I was a recreational dater.  I would date just so I did not have to sit at home.  I worked every chance I got so I did not have to be at home.  It certainly wasn't for the money.
I saw an old friend a few weeks back and he said "I always admired your ability to just jump in and get the job done." I had no idea I even possessed that quality.  Years ago, I took on impossible tasks to just get the challenge conquered.  I rarely enjoyed the journey.  I never had plans or lists.  I suddenly have a GPS to take me on an unexpected trip to the grocery store.  If you had to read the snail trail my GPS leaves, you would be so dizzy and confused.  I sometimes go the direct route but if given time, I take the scenic byway.  I always have.  I find the funny in everything.  Even the most dire and serious of consequences.
Being able to laugh with someone is just the greatest gift ever.  Things shift and blend.  I remember laughing with my friends and if their quick wit couldn't grasp it, we worked on it until they could. People truly make the world go around. The one's who do not know how to or are too lazy to network
are missing out on the greatest secret of life.  Science has already proven that in order to find a compatible friend, your sub-concios actually seeks out key features that you can identify quickly and any amount of gold isn't going to be distracting enough to take away from psychic bond,,,,that is so very true.
Just keep yourself in check because you just never realize the beauty of a friendship until they both decide to go out at once.

SELF SERVICE SEX......got your' attention now, don't I?

Yes, this is the article that started it all. I wrote it for a men's magazine so that is the audience it addresses but don't let that stop you from perusing it.
I was notified by the magazine that they were yanking (sorry for the pun) all online access to it and I have since changed operating systems so I needed to preserve it.  This is where it shall live.
I have several guy-pals to thank for bringing this article to fruition.  Hat's off to ya, fellas!

"CAN SELF-SERVICE SEX BE A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY?”

By Lucinda Blithe

Masturbation is universally practiced….90% of the male species has done it, or are currently doing it.  The other 10% are just telling a lie about not doing it at all. Shame on them!

Growing up, male buddies have their late night campfire-talks. It is a rite of passage to be in the secret ‘head nod’ club that consists of a class of non-verbal, self-discovering 5^th graders.  Sadly, masturbation rarely makes good conversation at the family dinner table when it should be discussed openly and accepted.  Stigmas and unfavorable opinions could be silenced and dealt with before dessert hit the table. Think of how many years of therapy could be avoided!

Self pleasure is often perceived to be a weakness.  In private conversations with some of my closest male pals on this subject, some think it is a nasty and horrible habit. Strong Christian family values instill a negative taboo influence on something that is so basic, beautiful and natural.  If you admit to masturbating, you are perceived to be perverted or immoral. 

I am here to tell you loudly: IT IS NOT AND YOU ARE NOT!!!!!!!!!

My BFF would never let me tell you this but how dare I try to keep it away from you?  Masturbation is a self-medicating and virtuously satisfying experience.   It can even provide spiritual awareness.  You cannot love anyone until you learn to love yourself. To delight yourself is a form of release/replenish for your mind and your body.  You have an inner, invisible agenda just waiting to be set off.  All that explosive energy in one place, just before an orgasm, is a very powerful thing.

Spiritually, your entire existence is being focused like a laser beam on getting the job done.  Take yourself in hand, so to speak, do the deed and then you can move on to your other business of the day.

Perhaps you could consider masturbation to be your ‘out with the old, in with the new’ self-service policy?  

Medically, masturbation could possibly save your life. Several conflicting urological clinical study discussions suggest that masturbating later in your life can help drain the prostate gland by getting rid of accumulated toxins within your body by ejaculation, thereby reducing the risk of developing prostate cancer.  Masturbation helps work your prostate gland during a time when you don’t feel the need, or are unable to do so via intercourse.  While that news is not exactly the opposite of bad, it falls in the gray abyss.  This theory has not been firmly established, and further research is necessary. You and I both know you have purchased a lottery ticket with fewer odds.  We are discussing prostate cancer, so to be on the safe side, perhaps you should masturbate.

Even though tinkering with tradition is a no-no; battery operated or hand driven toys and ‘machine oil’ help enhance the experience.  Don’t be selfish with the fun if you don’t have to be.  Mutual masturbation with your partner can be a mind-blowing, sexual experience.  Women learn how to play with ease creating a very gratifying experience for the male.  Many women are even willing to show you HOW to pleasure them and how to do it WITH them.  Before you fully disclose to your mate your deepest thoughts on your ‘secret handshake’ though, consider the situation you are in. Will revealing this cause problems of insecurity? Will admitting you masturbate create distrust because you were not upfront sooner?  Can you approach it from a broader angle and see what the response is initially?  If you feel it is better left unsaid, then you have my full permission to do so.  It will be our little secret. Okay? *Wink, wink*.

Masturbation is a very private thing and playing with a partner for the first time may make you think twice about attempting it.  Be brave. To open up, try using a blindfold.  This works great in helping you to concentrate on the task at hand and gets you into your comfort zone. 

In taking turns, it is usually best for ladies to go first.  Women have the home field advantage in this department because most are able to climax multiple times compared to your one main Grand Stand.  The spiritual sexual energy that is built up between the two of you can be shared even if you aren’t physically touching each other.  You can both even go at the same time or progress to the ‘hands on each other’ approach-touching or enabling each other to climax greater.  Take advantage of the extra helping hands.  You can even come in at the end and help out with the big finish.  As you advance and become more comfortable, sexual fantasies and sex toys can spice things up even more. 

Allow yourself to express your desires.  Don’t plan what your next move will be.  Spontaneity can be one of your best allies so do not rush through it. Connect with your partner on every level and you will have the most fun.  Lightly touching and teasing can help build up to a steady stimulation.  Experiment and pay attention to your partner’s reactions.  Deeper breathing, moaning and increased body tension can be your guide that you are doing something very right. 

Lefty loose-y/Righty tight-y? Adjust your grip and use your hand in a different way than your “usual”.  Use the heel of your hand to feel the shaft of your penis, or try making a cup with your palm over the head to offer some resistance as you maneuver your hand down the axis.  Work your middle finger and thumb into a ring around your girth.  Feel those ridges? Those are the backbone of pure satisfaction.  Be sure to use lots of lubrication to avoid chafing. Wetter is usually better.  Oil-based lubricants are great to use in hand-job-only play because they don’t dry out as quickly.  Use water or silicone-based lubricants if using a condom or toys to play with later. 

While standard strokes are great, try different kinds.  Try a gentle twisting, tug motion while moving your hand or your playmate’s hand up and down.   You can alternate between short strokes at the base of the penis along with short strokes at the tip of the head. 

Try a gentle squeeze.  Adjust the pressure of your grip.  Thrust your hips or try using your other hand. It may seem a little odd at first and you can always go back to your old standby routine.  Another idea is to try the 2-handed method: Put one hand at the base of your penis and press towards your pelvic bone all while exploring with different hand strokes along the shaft.  There is no one correct way to do it.  Try taking advantage of the perineum.  It is a band of nerves that flow between the testicles and the anus.  Have your companion massage, pump or stroke this area with just their fingertip to see if you give a positive reaction.  If the signals say “keep it coming”….amp it up and have them press their knuckle in to stimulate the prostate. 

Even if you have your’ old faithful routine, you may be missing something more.  Teach your old dog a new trick he isn’t likely to forget.

Girls have always been at the forefront of the sexual revolution.  Sisters have been squelched from talking about masturbation but they openly have parties that promote exploring and experimenting with various techniques.  They purchase sex hardware under the guise of a home party or shop at tastefully decorated, well-lit stores. 

What do men have? Dark rooms, pole dancers and porn. 

Guys are voracious, visual animals.  Getting arousal-worthy material means sometimes crossing the proverbial line.  Freely expand your horizons but please, satisfy your sexual appetite legally and privately.  The colloquial euphemism ‘en flagrante delicito’ which is Latin for ‘Blazing offense or caught red handed’ is not something you want to hear mentioned aloud in a court of law.  Anything legally labeled as lewd, lascivious or salacious has the serious potential to end unfavorable for you and all involved.  (Please insert your mental image of PeeWee Herman’s Paul Reubens here.) “Ha,ha. Made you look”.

Up until now, you have been given the authorization to unlock your hidden self but (there is ALWAYS a ‘but’) take note:

Too much of a good thing is when masturbation becomes your entire sex life.  Self-pleasure is not a substitute for real, human interaction.   If you would rather perform solo than have sex with a partner, strive to keep a healthy balance.  Remember to see your favorite urologist immediately if you are or begin to have problems.  There is a sexual dysfunction condition called ‘retarded/delayed ejaculation”   Go ahead & Google it.  You know you want to.  

It is time to give yourself permission to touch your body in places & ways that nobody but you can understand. This is your right and your privilege. After all, each and every guy does beat to his own drum, even those 10 percent who are clearly liars.