Long Time Gone

Since the first of the year, my schedule has not really been my own.

I think/move in earnest and random thoughts. I never look at things the same way most people grasp daily life. When I was younger, I didn't make mud pies. I really never saw the point but I did make houses out of things that were unorthodox.  Grass clippings. Boxes. Junk. I wanted to build a tree house but we didn't have enough big trees to support anything.  I recently drove back through my old neighborhood trying to find some semblance of my former life.  The house I primarily grew up in is still standing and I am always tempted to ask if I can take a tour but I know better.  I also secretly wonder if my sister's bracelet is tucked inside the air intake where I stuck it after she and I had a fight.   I had a screw driver. I could have retrieved it but I'm still a little ticked off at her about it.  So no. It will stay there. If it is still there.  Just waiting.

I have not had a real dream (until recently) about my momma since she passed away.  The dream I had was real enough but it gave me a sense of calming. It was a message from her. I think this way because I know she would not cause me grief or anguish otherwise.  I have my days where in the moment I will grab my phone and think "I need to call Momma and tell her Hotsy did such & such"....only to remember seconds later that she isn't there. That the phone call isn't necessary because she already knows what has brought this thought on.  And it causes me pain because I miss her so.  I am trying to learn this new life but it isn't without it's pitfalls.  Especially late at night.

I learned early on that my life was not going to be plain and ordinary.  I came from extraordinary circumstances so it is up to me to rise to that "idea". My biological father was from Burma and the village he was from held me in high honor.  We never know our place in this life and when someone says they feel like they have met me before, it is a little unnerving. Was I nice to them before? I hope the encounter was pleasant.  We walk along different paths and bump into each other here & there. The least we can do is make each others travels a pleasant trip.
As I try to heal from this I hope you don't give up on me. I don't love lightly or often.  It is another emotion, like jealousy, I cannot afford.  I give it 110% no matter what the consequence are to my soul. That is my curse and my cross to bear.  People who love me know this.  In the less-than-handful of people who know my true soul, I show my true self.
That is just me.