Last weekend was spent moving things around. I have a study in the basement that I use for a bead studio. I accidentally opened an old journal. It should have stayed buried. In it, someone else lives. She used to draw and paint. She used to make plans for things that were never going to happen.
Have you ever been in the heat of making plans only to realize they were coming to fruition as you spoke? It is a little weird.
I had small children back then. I had lots of hopes & plans for them. Just getting the oldest graduated was really all I saw sight of. Now he prospers.
I think gardens grow the same way. We work the soil and prepare the ground. Place the seeds carefully just so deep and then wait. We look and water. Water and wait. Then one day, when we just glance around: flowers. Everywhere. An occasional weed sprouts here and there but you cannot have good without bad.
People tend to be the same way.
Compliments given usually fall on deaf ears. People have a hard time believing that someone could see anything except what they believe in themselves. We tend to believe the negative over the positive. Human nature, modesty & ego. It's like a powerful trifecta of trouble.
It is hard to let go of old feelings and to decipher what you are actually feeling, hearing and are capable of.
Lately I have found myself being less of a friend to some. I am not sure if it is a survival/defense mechanism or what. I am tainting the well and I do not like it.
Re-prioritizing and overthinking is what I do best. Apparently.
I cannot get a handle on just being quiet. I have to keep poking it with a stick until it is a mangled mess. Just walk away. Quiet the voices and keep your head down.
That is what I will strive to do.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Long Time Gone
Since the first of the year, my schedule has not really been my own.
I think/move in earnest and random thoughts. I never look at things the same way most people grasp daily life. When I was younger, I didn't make mud pies. I really never saw the point but I did make houses out of things that were unorthodox. Grass clippings. Boxes. Junk. I wanted to build a tree house but we didn't have enough big trees to support anything. I recently drove back through my old neighborhood trying to find some semblance of my former life. The house I primarily grew up in is still standing and I am always tempted to ask if I can take a tour but I know better. I also secretly wonder if my sister's bracelet is tucked inside the air intake where I stuck it after she and I had a fight. I had a screw driver. I could have retrieved it but I'm still a little ticked off at her about it. So no. It will stay there. If it is still there. Just waiting.
I have not had a real dream (until recently) about my momma since she passed away. The dream I had was real enough but it gave me a sense of calming. It was a message from her. I think this way because I know she would not cause me grief or anguish otherwise. I have my days where in the moment I will grab my phone and think "I need to call Momma and tell her Hotsy did such & such"....only to remember seconds later that she isn't there. That the phone call isn't necessary because she already knows what has brought this thought on. And it causes me pain because I miss her so. I am trying to learn this new life but it isn't without it's pitfalls. Especially late at night.
I learned early on that my life was not going to be plain and ordinary. I came from extraordinary circumstances so it is up to me to rise to that "idea". My biological father was from Burma and the village he was from held me in high honor. We never know our place in this life and when someone says they feel like they have met me before, it is a little unnerving. Was I nice to them before? I hope the encounter was pleasant. We walk along different paths and bump into each other here & there. The least we can do is make each others travels a pleasant trip.
As I try to heal from this I hope you don't give up on me. I don't love lightly or often. It is another emotion, like jealousy, I cannot afford. I give it 110% no matter what the consequence are to my soul. That is my curse and my cross to bear. People who love me know this. In the less-than-handful of people who know my true soul, I show my true self.
That is just me.
I think/move in earnest and random thoughts. I never look at things the same way most people grasp daily life. When I was younger, I didn't make mud pies. I really never saw the point but I did make houses out of things that were unorthodox. Grass clippings. Boxes. Junk. I wanted to build a tree house but we didn't have enough big trees to support anything. I recently drove back through my old neighborhood trying to find some semblance of my former life. The house I primarily grew up in is still standing and I am always tempted to ask if I can take a tour but I know better. I also secretly wonder if my sister's bracelet is tucked inside the air intake where I stuck it after she and I had a fight. I had a screw driver. I could have retrieved it but I'm still a little ticked off at her about it. So no. It will stay there. If it is still there. Just waiting.
I have not had a real dream (until recently) about my momma since she passed away. The dream I had was real enough but it gave me a sense of calming. It was a message from her. I think this way because I know she would not cause me grief or anguish otherwise. I have my days where in the moment I will grab my phone and think "I need to call Momma and tell her Hotsy did such & such"....only to remember seconds later that she isn't there. That the phone call isn't necessary because she already knows what has brought this thought on. And it causes me pain because I miss her so. I am trying to learn this new life but it isn't without it's pitfalls. Especially late at night.
I learned early on that my life was not going to be plain and ordinary. I came from extraordinary circumstances so it is up to me to rise to that "idea". My biological father was from Burma and the village he was from held me in high honor. We never know our place in this life and when someone says they feel like they have met me before, it is a little unnerving. Was I nice to them before? I hope the encounter was pleasant. We walk along different paths and bump into each other here & there. The least we can do is make each others travels a pleasant trip.
As I try to heal from this I hope you don't give up on me. I don't love lightly or often. It is another emotion, like jealousy, I cannot afford. I give it 110% no matter what the consequence are to my soul. That is my curse and my cross to bear. People who love me know this. In the less-than-handful of people who know my true soul, I show my true self.
That is just me.
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