First Rose

Monday can just kiss my ass. I barely had my eyes open when I was confronted with the news that the first love of my life had passed away.  It was just like being punched in the gut.  I couldn't breathe. Could only sit there and cry.  How many years had passed since he had darkened my door way? How many nights had we sat on the telephone, talking....making plans that were never to be?  

Mark loved music. I knew he would outgrow the town we lived in. I hoped for bigger and better things for him. Never cancer. Never to die at 48 years of age.  Mark was way beyond anything this small mind could encompass.  

Mark brought me roses on our first date. Mark gave me my first real kiss. Mark wrote me love letters and showed compassion when no one else understood.  

My oldest & dearest friend Karen wrote me a note today that best described how I can still feel the sting of the memories of a friendship from long ago:

"Once you care about someone, a thread from your life is forever tied to theirs, even if you never see them again.  The thread breaks when you hear they died. You feel like a kid who just lost a balloon to the sky."

Mark Eugene Stowe.....Rock Star Angel  

Low Places

I have become a creature of bad habit. I do not have to get up at a certain time on most days and some of my closest friends know exactly when to call or text me like psychics on the prowl. I will not abide by rules and unless something is pressing into financial ruin, I will procrastinate as long as I can.
Who is this person?
I have always been a "By the rules and very punctually correct person" so for the clocks to be ticking away all at a different and very incorrect time, I am on the brink of madness. 
I actually sat down and watched a complete mini series and even tried to watch an hour and a half movie. One that I was not paid to watch. I am really slipping somewhere over the edge.  In my defense, I worked on projects while the mini series played but it ran it's entire length without me having to rewind once.  It was horror.

I have not cooked a real, honest 100% from scratch anything meal since Christmas and even then, do not tell my mother, I cheated on the mashed potatoes. 
I used to pride myself on being a "Martha Stewart on steroids and a budget" kind of gal but somewhere, I have let something else much darker slip in. Is Facebook to blame? Is my attention span of a gnat to foster the burden? I will try to do better. Right now, I am ashamed to admit, I have laundry that I washed & folded but still did not put away.  I think that by admitting it in a semi public eye, I will hold myself more accountable to do the mundane tasks that need to be done daily that keep my wheels of sanity turning. 
I will tackle losing weight tomorrow. No sense letting Ben & Jerry's stock slip just yet.

Heartbreaking Day

While driving down the road today I saw a lady kneeling by a roadside memorial. I pass this site often and see the tiny white cross with fresh flowers.  The stuffed animals perched in care, waiting.  
Today was a little different.  In the sunshine, a mother was grieving her 17 year old daughter.  May 5th will mark a year since she died in a car wreck. I could almost hear the mother's sobs as she clawed at the grass, reaching for someone who was no longer there.   
In one poignant moment....today had such a bittersweet feeling. I wanted to stop and tell her "She is no longer there" but sometimes heartstrings need a place to tie themselves to on earth.  The empty place needs to be filled somehow until time can soften the edges.  Everyone is so busy living their life.  
Take time for each other and hug your babies.