Who, Me?

When I was a small child, I found out there was no Santa Claus.
I found this out right about the same time I found out I was adopted.  It was a crushing blow to my small heart.
I remember laying up under the Christmas tree and wanting to just disappear. I even wrote a letter to an address I found on an old envelope asking my biological father what I had done to deserve being abandoned at birth.  Tough things to undertake at such a young age.

When I see parents waiting in line with tender faces, I see so much hope stored up in that one memory. I think the nostalgia we feel puts a heavy burden on the next generation and there is so much stress from the past, we fail to enjoy the present.
As I walked around the gardens with my grand daughter, the one thing that made me smile was hearing her react to the lights and seeing her laugh at other children.  She laughs at so much. It is almost like a private joke going on in her little 14 month old head.  She finds things amusing that most adults do and she is shrewd.  I hope she never loses that edge.  It will get her far in life.

I had to administer a dose of tough love to one of my "adopted" kids this week.  I got a frantic call from him Saturday morning telling me his mother had tried to kill herself. He was raised by his grandparents and now his mother was living with said grandparents.
After the hospital involuntarily committed his mother, I had to tell him to just walk away. He should call and check on her but to not go see her. He tried to see her shortly after she was taken to the hospital by ambulance for an overdose of pills and she proceeded to blame him for every short coming she has ever had.  She killed his spirit and stomped on his love.
This was nothing new and completely within her selfish character.
He is a great kid and he has a new family. He does not need her tainting his new family or his new life. Giving someone permission to do what they know is logical is really simple when you have nothing personal invested in it.  This child became my family the minute he sat at my table night after night and ate dinner with us. He became family the minute he told us he felt safe in our house.  He is the reason my children all attended the college they did and I made good on my promise to dance at his wedding.
Sometimes people just need pure love.  I think that all my "adopted" kids know that they are endearing to me as if they were my very own. It is just my nature. Having a house full of chatter and chaos is a great sound.
I wish his mother appreciated him the way he deserves.

I ended up decorating my own Christmas tree primarily by myself.  Usually this makes me sad. I see all the ornaments from the past and I start to miss my kids. I see things on the tree that make me miss loved ones that have passed.  I attach a memory to each one.  I had to stop feeling sorry for myself long enough to go check the mail.

Inside the mailbox was a Christmas card from an old friend who had been suffering after a divorce.  We met for coffee a few months back.  He had been struggling through one relationship after another trying to get a foothold into what he once had.  I could tell he was looking to fill the void. Both of his children were away at college. He was forced to sell his nice house on the lake and downsize. The divorce was orchestrated by his ex wife who had just remarried.  At this particular coffee date, I felt the need to tell him something that everyone else was afraid to tell him.  I told him that he did not have the perfect marriage when he had been married. If it was perfect, he would not have been over-drinking or working himself to death traveling 24/7. I told him what he was mourning for had been a figment of his imagination and he needed to find what ever it was now that was HIS heart's desire.  I told him to stop looking to reinvent his heart and to let it lead him forward instead of looking to the past.
He has a new girlfriend now and the minute I met her, I knew she was going to be good for him.  His smile has not stopped since they have been together.  His card said that he valued my friendship and that at the time he thought I was crazy with the words I told him but in actuality I had been very wise.  I had to laugh at the thought of me being wise about anything.

In going back to work on decorating my tree alone, I realized how much love and care I have been given over the years. Each ornament is an heirloom of heartstrings.
Suddenly I don't feel so alone.  I feel very blessed and content.  
And isn't that what makes life beautiful?

Copy, Paste & Delete A Life

With the push of a few buttons, I can create-share-delete a life. If it were only easy to do the same with a memory, that would be bliss.  I gave this post a full hour to come to a rambling life.
Here we go:

I have often shared my lifetime of experiences with some who cared to hear. I am one of those "helpful" people who think that no one should struggle when someone can either ease the burden or at least have someone else learn from my same mistakes but I have no idea how to save myself.
Ironic, isn't it?
I take time out of my life…out of my family's life….to save someone who really could care less.  Do I make a difference? That isn't for me to say.
Moving on…..

I (somehow) completely forgot about meeting one of my cousins who was coming in to town. Thankfully she called before she arrived so I was able to meet up with her. It has been over 40 years since I saw her last.  (I know…I was just a baby when she left;-) We have recently reconnected via the internet and we share the common bond of family but in essence, we are strangers. Her laugh is one I could recognize out of millions.  It is funny how memories can be sparked by sounds, scents and places.  The world scatters us amongst it's corners but we still have that connection.

I was named after most of my female cousins. A feat I have no idea how my mother came up with but she was the youngest girl of 9 children and she was resourceful. We take so much for granted but our stepping stones of the past are the stock of which we are made.  Like pieces of a puzzle that fit nicely together.  Holiday's cement the nostalgia and create memories for future generations.  I have recipes that have been handed down for years. Nothing ever really changes.

This Thanksgiving, my Momma did not make it down to the dinner table for dinner.  She was not able to prepare the meal but she wanted it to be at her house….for one last time.  She knew we would need that memory.  Hospice provided a huge portion of the meal.  To them, I am grateful.  They allowed her to keep her dignity because any Southern woman who is not able to cook in her own kitchen is heartbreaking.  Each year, my sister & I threaten to go to Cracker Barrel for dinner.  Years ago, I went to the beach for Thanksgiving.  It was the worst holiday ever.  We had to eat steak because none of the restaurants there served traditional Thanksgiving fare…actually there were only 2 restaurants open on the island that day because it was off-season.  We thought it would be great to just "get away" but the kids had a better idea of not messing with tradition.  So many minutes and memories we take for granted.

I have scores of old photographs. I love the memories that come back to me when I look at those faces and remember.  There will be a time when that is all that is left for my children & grand children to cherish.  My son asked that instead of exchanging big gifts this year, we could do stuff the entire month of December to make new memories and share some time together.
At times, I wonder who this child belongs to.

I continued my "Month of Thanks" through today because it was the opportune time to tell someone that in a "6-degrees of you" way, I was thankful for their being instrumental in enabling me to  meet a true friend.
I labeled my true friend as 'my salvation'.  I never faltered with the description.  It was just "there". Inside my little head.  After I finally looked up the meaning, I realize now it is more true than I could have ever hoped for:
salvation |salˈvāSHən|noun:deliverance from sin and its consequences, believed by Christians to be brought about by faith in Christ.• preservation or deliverance from harm, ruin, or loss:
That last part was the sting to this whole thing.  He truly has delivered me from harm, ruin, or loss.  When someone you trust pushes you to the edge of your sanity-where else is there to go?  For no matter how much good there is in your life-the dark will always be there.  It is never far away.  It hides in a bottle of pills or a bottle of booze. It creeps around in the negativity you freely spout and share with others.  It kills your soul.  My friend points me in the right direction and shows me what gifts & talents I have to give to others and to myself when I feel less than worthy of even drawing a breath.
He has restored my happiness and my faith.
Happiness is a powerful and freeing thing.
Faith makes your spirit soar.
And for that, my heart is most thankful.