Using My Outside Voice Inside The Building

Once upon a time, I was shy. I was reserved. I was a wall flower.
In the light of being ME, I realized that at the age of 49, I own a voice.
In reality, I sound like a 14 year old girl.
Who giggles a lot.

I had the great fortune to work with 200 plus senior citizens this past week. Two of them asked me out for drinks afterwards. One threatened to spank me with his cane.  It was fun joking with them but when it came time to do my job, I had to be stern.

You can be nice to a point but with my timid voice, I can only herd so many willing cats & people.  So I had to use my "outside voice" and it quickly got their attention.
It is the equivalent to calling a child by their full legal name.
It is a tone that is reserved for only a few occasions.  This prompted me to get 2 text messages from people within the group that know me on a personal basis. The first one said "I didn't know you had it in you." The second text message was "Why have you not done that before?".
Really?
There is no need to use The Voice on a daily basis but I am glad to know it exists. And it does so without getting hysterical or shaky. It is not a voice of ego or boastfulness. I never had to use it much when raising my children. I suppose that is why it laid dormant for so long.

As a child, I was a bit of a boy.  I fought like one. I played sports like one. I worked like one.  I did manual labor. I was not a glamor girl. Very far from it.  My Dad told me that he raised Daddy's Boys. That when it came to getting ahead in this world, he did not want us to take any crap off of anyone.  Sadly, we also became very rebellious.  And devious. And I have never backed down from a fight.....mentally or physically.  Adulthood takes the shape of so many things but you never forget who you grew up with and the stings from the past.

Recently a "friend" took to cyber bullying a co-worker.  I knew that eventually someone would call her out on it. It was not going to be my crusade to go toe-to-toe with her.  I realized I could not become the very thing she was.  Some people are never going to change. Even the ones who are victims themselves. They have to live their life. I cannot live it for them. I cannot be their moral compass. I have to change the things I can and live this life that has been laid out for me.

With that being said, I would still punch her in the mouth if she said anything about me.

Old habits die hard.

Well, well, well.

Soooooo.........
This past Friday found me wallowing in a pool of old Kleenex's and a half empty cereal bowl. Glamorous.  I have no idea why it had come to this. I was emotionally & physically exhausted.  The day's events had taken their toll.  My Dad was having a normal day and then started passing blood so my sister rushed him to his doctor where they did a procedure in the office to remedy the situation. Turns out it was his prostate.  He goes back in Monday for the same procedure. Luckily on Monday he gets to have pain meds.  My Dad has an amazing sense of humor and the last time he had to have this done in office with no meds, he equated it to having a pool cue stuck up inside him while the doctor looked for the white cue ball.  I imagine this to be very painful.  The last time I had to take him for this procedure, he downed 2 Valium en route and then decided he needed to throw his used coffee cup down in the parking lot.  The umbrella he carried was for poking elevator numbers and since I had no idea where the doctors office was, I decided to let him have his fun.  After getting off on the 4th floor twice, I realized we were in trouble.
Anyway.....they have sent him home with a catheter which he has labeled "his purse".

Hospice has been on call for my Mother for months and my parents are starting to slowly realize that she is not coming back to the "quality of life" that they had hoped she would achieve. She is getting tired more easily and the veins are starting to harden in her legs. It is just a matter of time before she will not be able to go to dialysis.  In our meeting last week Living Wills were discussed and signed.   My Dad will not know what to do no matter how much we have instructed him.  There is always that moment of panic.  Of helplessness.  We have always been people of means. Of knowledge. Of the mentality that "If I do not know what to do, I can find out or find someone to help you." I get that from my Dad.  I get the "I can do anything with enough time, money and confetti" from my Mom.

There were several text messages that made me weepy on Friday night.  Then the realization that my true BFFF made in reference to Hitler & Eva Braun that gave me a nice kick in the pants.  Thanks for that.  Truly.

A passing remark was made last week: that there was very little I couldn't do.  They said it to be taken as a compliment but it really wasn't.  Not considering the source.  That is fine. I have always been able to try to achieve the impossible.  Some people have benefitted from that "skill" and others have taken advantage of it.  I just keep on moving.  Nothing else I can do.  I had to verbally promise and physically pinky swear with my doctor that I would not leave my house or clean or fix anything for 48 hours.  Isn't that pathetic? His lecture to me was that I was the type of person who felt compelled to fix everything and anything without any regard for myself. If I rebelled this time though, my body would pay the price. Well that is just great.  He put me on steroids (which make me want to clean and organize everything) and then he tied my hands together.  So the voices that won't shut up now need a place to vent and play.  There is always that thing called Facebook.....yes, I will get on there and clog up the new feeds.  I can debate and post funnies.

Then there was this............

Sometimes someone speaks to me when they don't even know they have.  I got a simple picture and a note.  This person knows my thoughts. Knows my heart.  He knows when I am suffering and he manages to say things directly to me without me ever having heard a real word.  "Been awhile?"
So here I am.  It isn't 3am and I am not getting myself into all kinds of trouble like I have been known to do.  What do I say that is profound or important or useful?  Nothing. I just let the words come out on their own and they are just words.  They clean the slate to make room for more beauty. More laughs. More points of useless views that are my own.

My life has been very different since July 17th, 2013.  I sat in my car and talked on the phone to a complete stranger. For hours.  I think I laughed more in that time span than I ever have in my entire life.  I heard a voice and it was like "home".  When you have to reflect on things and realize how much other people make you laugh or bring you joy, it really is eye-opening.  What a person perceives as perfect really rarely is. My friend and I have common ground and recently when I shared the location where I was taught to drive a stick-shift, he said I was probably too busy giggling about things to properly learn how to drive a straight drive.  It wasn't a picnic.  It was serious work!  And that relationship was completely different from any I have ever had.  There was no effort made to preserve memories.  We were too busy making them and not looking back.  Looking back is dangerous.  It causes you to have doubt and believe in things that do not exist.  No matter how much you believe in them or want them or feel the need to have them in your life.  I think of all the times I needed hand-holding/head-holding and it makes me sick.  Physically ill.  There are days when I still need to be reminded of who I am and where I am going. That will never change.  But I have foundations built that ensure that I never falter far.  Faith and friends.

In the 1,000's of conversations I have in a weeks span (generally with only about 3 people), the one that hit me hardest was when I was reminded of people who come into our lives and we invest in them.....then for some reason, they disappear or some outside force intervenes and "POOF"...no more.  I shall mentally call this "The Abyss".   In The Abyss, people go and jump in with their hands held high in the air.  (I wish I could draw better. Pictures would be awesome right about now to break up the wordy words. ) Anywho.....they never look back to see me waving them "Bye. Farewell. Good Luck." And when they come back to say hello, I am reminded that we had a bond. I never forget that bond.  That would be selling these people short and I never do that to a friend. Not a true friend.  And besides, some people have never had a friend like me.  (I know, right about now, some people are cussing under their breath.  Sorry.)

I invest in people.  They make my life worth living.  And isn't that what this is all about?

This is my reply about past friends who have left & carried on: 

"But they weren't Me." 

 Some people would do well to remember that.  

Thank you for reading and thank you for the help.  I owe you all a drink;-)